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The unstoppable Ms J is a seasoned traveler and she tells me she’s got the single mum routine well and truly under control.

But I wanted to give her some idea of what to expect in my beloved Vietnam, which can be a crazy and overwhelming place to visit.

Don’t be offended when a waitress slouches over and unceremoniously dumps a plate on the table, then turns and slouches off. But not many of those places understand the Western concept of all meals being served at once so everyone can eat at the same time.

Getting stuck in the middle of the flow of traffic is scary, especially if you’ve got your child with you, but just remember the school of fish principle. All tourists try to learn the basics – xin chào (hello) and cảm ơn (thank you).

Whatever you do, don’t panic and make a run for it. The people on the motorbikes have a vested interest in NOT hitting you, so try to make it easy for them to avoid you by being predictable. To cross the road, stand at the curb and look both ways. You can ask for greens, including herbs, to be boiled. But most Vietnamese can understand hello and thank you.

If you pay only double the price they quote, you’re doing well. Keep your valuables close There’s a fair bit of snatch and grab crimes throughout Vietnam.

Don’t be too paranoid — that’s no fun at all — but be sensible.

Walk slowly, watching the oncoming traffic, and wave one arm above your head to make sure people have noticed you. Honestly, look both ways — people drive every which way. Street food is fantastic The best Vietnamese food is the stuff that’s cooked right in front of you and dished up on a plastic plate or in a plastic bowl. For adults – don’t be too afraid of the raw stuff, just be sensible. They just won’t be listening for “excuse me” or “hey, waiter”, especially if they’re deep in conversation about last night’s Vietnam Idol.

(You’ll probably feel like a twit, but it is effective — and that’s coming from someone who’s ridden a motorbike in heavy traffic in Vietnam.) My school of fish theory only applies to motorbikes. I’ve even seen a bus mount the curb to try to get around a traffic jam. Don’t wait for a gap in the traffic, you’ll be stuck there til you’re a pensioner. When you see it, step off the curb and walk slowly through the light spot, looking for another light spot ahead. Call out “em oi” and you’ll definitely get their attention. Don’t expect Western service standards Wages are low in Vietnam, really low.

So, if you’re in a group, do the local thing and share your dishes. You are rich, you have to pay more If you have enough money to fly to Vietnam, you are rich.

That way everyone gets to eat as soon as the first dish arrives. In Vietnam, the average annual income is about US

(You’ll probably feel like a twit, but it is effective — and that’s coming from someone who’s ridden a motorbike in heavy traffic in Vietnam.) My school of fish theory only applies to motorbikes. I’ve even seen a bus mount the curb to try to get around a traffic jam. Don’t wait for a gap in the traffic, you’ll be stuck there til you’re a pensioner. When you see it, step off the curb and walk slowly through the light spot, looking for another light spot ahead. Call out “em oi” and you’ll definitely get their attention. Don’t expect Western service standards Wages are low in Vietnam, really low.So, if you’re in a group, do the local thing and share your dishes. You are rich, you have to pay more If you have enough money to fly to Vietnam, you are rich.That way everyone gets to eat as soon as the first dish arrives. In Vietnam, the average annual income is about US$1,100 — probably less than you spent on your flight. You really can afford to pay two or three times the local price — and whatever you’re paying for will still be cheap.Keep your handbag and camera on the shoulder furtherest from the traffic, don’t flash lots of cash around and don’t carry an enormous purse — buy a small purse on your first day and keep it in your front pocket.And only carry enough money for that day, with some emergency cash down your bra.They will think your fear is hilarious, and they will usually try to make sure you survive the crossing. Don’t drink the water The water from the tap is not fit to drink. I’d recommend cleaning your teeth with bottled water, too. Check to see if the ice has been made by a machine, i.e. The chunks of ice in the men’s urinal — don’t drink that. Napkins are not free In most restaurants, you’ll get plastic-wrapped moist towelettes or jasmine scented wash cloths. So don’t be impatient when the wait staff are all sitting around chatting, rather than hovering behind you looking out for a glass that needs refilling. Food is served when it’s ready There is no concept of entree and mains in Vietnam. So all the dishes are placed in the centre of the table and every diner serves themselves.

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(You’ll probably feel like a twit, but it is effective — and that’s coming from someone who’s ridden a motorbike in heavy traffic in Vietnam.) My school of fish theory only applies to motorbikes. I’ve even seen a bus mount the curb to try to get around a traffic jam. Don’t wait for a gap in the traffic, you’ll be stuck there til you’re a pensioner. When you see it, step off the curb and walk slowly through the light spot, looking for another light spot ahead. Call out “em oi” and you’ll definitely get their attention. Don’t expect Western service standards Wages are low in Vietnam, really low.

So, if you’re in a group, do the local thing and share your dishes. You are rich, you have to pay more If you have enough money to fly to Vietnam, you are rich.

That way everyone gets to eat as soon as the first dish arrives. In Vietnam, the average annual income is about US$1,100 — probably less than you spent on your flight. You really can afford to pay two or three times the local price — and whatever you’re paying for will still be cheap.

Keep your handbag and camera on the shoulder furtherest from the traffic, don’t flash lots of cash around and don’t carry an enormous purse — buy a small purse on your first day and keep it in your front pocket.

And only carry enough money for that day, with some emergency cash down your bra.

They will think your fear is hilarious, and they will usually try to make sure you survive the crossing. Don’t drink the water The water from the tap is not fit to drink. I’d recommend cleaning your teeth with bottled water, too. Check to see if the ice has been made by a machine, i.e. The chunks of ice in the men’s urinal — don’t drink that. Napkins are not free In most restaurants, you’ll get plastic-wrapped moist towelettes or jasmine scented wash cloths. So don’t be impatient when the wait staff are all sitting around chatting, rather than hovering behind you looking out for a glass that needs refilling. Food is served when it’s ready There is no concept of entree and mains in Vietnam. So all the dishes are placed in the centre of the table and every diner serves themselves.

||

(You’ll probably feel like a twit, but it is effective — and that’s coming from someone who’s ridden a motorbike in heavy traffic in Vietnam.) My school of fish theory only applies to motorbikes. I’ve even seen a bus mount the curb to try to get around a traffic jam. Don’t wait for a gap in the traffic, you’ll be stuck there til you’re a pensioner. When you see it, step off the curb and walk slowly through the light spot, looking for another light spot ahead. Call out “em oi” and you’ll definitely get their attention. Don’t expect Western service standards Wages are low in Vietnam, really low.

So, if you’re in a group, do the local thing and share your dishes. You are rich, you have to pay more If you have enough money to fly to Vietnam, you are rich.

That way everyone gets to eat as soon as the first dish arrives. In Vietnam, the average annual income is about US$1,100 — probably less than you spent on your flight. You really can afford to pay two or three times the local price — and whatever you’re paying for will still be cheap.

Keep your handbag and camera on the shoulder furtherest from the traffic, don’t flash lots of cash around and don’t carry an enormous purse — buy a small purse on your first day and keep it in your front pocket.

,100 — probably less than you spent on your flight. You really can afford to pay two or three times the local price — and whatever you’re paying for will still be cheap.

Keep your handbag and camera on the shoulder furtherest from the traffic, don’t flash lots of cash around and don’t carry an enormous purse — buy a small purse on your first day and keep it in your front pocket.

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