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When taking the SAT, write “Chuck Norris” for every answer. On his birthday, Chuck Norris randomly selects one lucky child to be thrown into the sun. Little known medical fact: Chuck Norris invented the Caesarean section when he roundhouse-kicked his way out of his monther’s womb.Chuck Norris doesn’t bowl strikes, he just knocks down one pin and the other nine faint.When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants. Just a list of creatures Chuck Norris has allowed to live. Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs. Chuck Norris can lead a horse to water AND make it drink. Chuck Norris bites frost Remember the Soviet Union?

How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could Chuck Norris? Chuck Norris doesn’t actually write books, the words assemble themselves out of fear. If tapped, a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick could power the country of Australia for 44 minutes. The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Chuck Norris has been there. Newton’s Third Law is wrong: Although it states that for each action, there is an equal and opposite reaction, there is no force equal in reaction to a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick. While urinating, Chuck Norris is easily capable of welding titanium. When Steven Seagal kills a ninja, he only takes its hide.

In honor of Chuck Norris, all Mc Donald’s in Texas have an even larger size than the super-size. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears. Chuck Norris once sued the Houghton-Mifflin textbook company when it became apparent that their account of the war of 1812 was plagiarized from his autobiography. When Chuck Norris kills a ninja, he uses every part.

He hosted a Karate tournament in Beijing and all women within 1,000 miles became pregnant instantly. Every night he would make the same forecast: Partly cloudy with a 75% chance of Pain.

Simply by pulling on both ends, Chuck Norris can stretch diamonds back into coal.

For Chuck Norris, each testicle is larger than the other one. When you’re Chuck Norris, anything anything is equal to 1. Chuck Norris has the greatest Poker-Face of all time. Archeologists unearthed an old english dictionary dating back to the year 1236. The bar was instantly destroyed, as that level of awesome cannot be contained in one building.

Chuck Norris always knows the EXACT location of Carmen San Diego. In fact, he invented the entire spectrum of visible light. He won the 1983 World Series of Poker, despite holding only a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoloy card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game UNO. Chuck Norris doesn’t throw up if he drinks too much. In the beginning there was nothing…then Chuck Norris Roundhouse kicked that nothing in the face and said “Get a job”. It defined “victim” as “one who has encountered Chuck Norris” Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one. If you Google search “Chuck Norris getting his ass kicked” you will generate zero results. Chuck Norris can drink an entire gallon of milk in thirty-seven seconds.

There is in fact an “I” in Norris, but there is no “team”… Scotty in Star Trek often says “Ye cannae change the laws of physics.” This is untrue. Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks don’t really kill people.

They wipe out their entire existence from the space-time continuum.

When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn’t lifting himself up, he’s pushing the Earth down.

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